When the Archbishop Invites his Friends to Talk

The Archbishop of Canterbury, Katharine Jefferts Schori, Robert Duncan, Jack Iker, Peter Lee and John Bruno are getting together to talk about their differences.  I can't imagine what the conversation will be like. 

++ABC     Greetings everyone.  It’s nice to see you.  God bless you.
++KJS      Thank you, Archbishop. 
+RD         Isn’t it a bit soon for that?  We don’t know really if God blesses her. 
+JI          Relax, Bob.
+RD.      Jus’ sayin’.  Not everyone in the Anglican Communion recognizes she is a PB.  Represent!
+PL.       We’re here just to talk, not fight, alright?  Be good.  Everyone gets their say.
+RD.      “Be good” that’s not in scripture.  It’s “be perfect.” Which YOU, clearly, my brother, are not.   Only God gets his say here.  Power to Akinola and his Peeps! 
+ABC     I thought we might talk about oversight.  Bob, are you willing to proclaim allegiance to the Queen of England?
+PL.  You are such a ham, your grace. Noone could possibly… 
+ABC. Just checking.
+RD, well, only if she signed this statement I made with my friend “Big Daddy Petey”
(hands him a sheet of paper)  it says, “gays may not wear big hats or touch other people’s penises while in God’s house.  They may not talk about it anymore.
+JI:      But they may still be church organists
+ABC:   well thank jeezy Chreezy for that!
+RD      We really don’t want her to touch us.  Or to touch other people. 
+PL:      She doesn’t need to touch you if you don’t want
+RD:      But if someone thinks she can touch someone else, then that someone also cannot touch anyone.  Those someones, archbishop, must not be allowed to touch.  Nor can they come to the party.
+ABC:  The party?  Lambeth is another issue. 
KJS:      Well, we were thinking of helping some African bishops get to Lambeth
+RD  Oh Really?  Well that’s not very nice, you liberal imperialist!  We have plenty of money from the IRD.  They'll clear everything up for us.
+KJS:      Look, I don’t need to “touch” Bob.  I just want to talk
+RD:      Enough talking.  Jesus said swords (takes out a sword). I’m not listening!
+PL:       Could you put that away, Bob?  I mean, is it necessary?
+RD:      Jesus never asked, “is it necessary.”  It is Necessary.  (he waves it around a bit) Jesus wants me to brandish this sword for the sake of the new Anglican Communion.   To cut and sever the heads of all the Jesus hating abortionist unbaptized gay lovers who take communion.  Which is exactly what the new presiding bishop stands for.
+ABC:  Well, I think I’m going to invite both of you.
+RD:  Jesus says the archbishop can’t invite two Anglican bishops together, especially if one is gay.  Jesus also says that gay bishops are nasty.   So we want you to be our presiding bishop. 
+ABC:  What would some “alternate primate” need to do?
+RD:      Um.  Come and hang out, I guess.   Do the regular bopping.  Then preach about how Jesus came to save our souls, and that gay people should repent.  And gay bishops.  You should tell people that you really don’t like gay bishops.  Tell people that Jesus really doesn’t like gay bishops. 
++ABC:   That’s oversight?
+RD:  Well its not oversight.  But it would help.  We’ll put pictures of the queen on our doors.
+JB (from LA):  Queen.  (snorts).  Yeah, that’s very straight of you.
+RD:  And don’t listen to anything about the TEC.  They are irrelevant, unlike us.  We have the swords.   They, however, preach the gay gospel, which is all about making everyone play with their genitals.
+JB:  Sounds interesting!
+ABC:  Why can’t you just let Katherine select three conservative bishops from the US to do the consecrating thing.
+RD:  If she even talks to a conservative bishop, she messes it up.  She can’t even LET anyone be a consecrator, or even write a letter allowing someone to be a chief consecrator.  If she does, then Jesus cries.  Archbishop, do you want Jesus to cry?  Jesus cries whenever someone has sex and doesn’t think about little babies, babies who Jesus loves.  And she encourages this kind of sex.  Look at her!  She's a woman.  Who doesn't believe in Jesus!  So if she invites someone who does believe in Jesus, then their love of Jesus become changed into unlove.  So we need purity.  From the top!
+KJS:  Bob, if you let me…
+RD:  Don’t talk to me.  Get Behind Me you double twin headed Jesus loving abortionist!  I'm with Jesus.  And he ain't with you.  I know. 
+ABC:  I think we have a problem. 
+PL:      Yes:  where’s the Gin? 

Comments

[Max]

Oh Mylanta!
This is the funniest thing I've read in weeks.
Donatism, anyone?
yours in the struggle,
Max

[John Henry]

Humor accomplishes more than argument. You did well characterizing the "dramatic arts" Network bishops, Duncan and Iker.

[ginny]

That was so funny, I scared the cat and woke the hubby laughing!

And yes, it helps to laugh. We just said goodbye to our vicar, who found a new pastoral care position almost as soon as he got back from GC2003.

[Charlotte]

I thought it was hilarious, and posted it to a discussion group for Episcopalians in a Network diocese. Alas, they did not -- but it did me a lot of good to read it.